[Journal, 8/8/2013, Day seven of 8-day silent retreat]
»: Kind of a tired start today, my Lord.
†: Yeah. =]
»: I can feel, better now than ever, when my body is tired; when my attention is fragmented. Same for my thoughts. Today You rise. I pray for a grip on Your grace that I may ascend with You just a little.
†: Fortune favors the brave, my son.
»: Some pieces are coming together, my Lord.
The pursuit of one's deep desire requires boldness. When boldness is gripped the next few steps reveal themselves before us. Solvitur ambilando. It may not matter exactly how I move at first, just as long as I begin moving. Once I realize that I'm not just the mind, but the body as well, I gain new proprioceptive conceptualization of direction, of the order of things. Desire comes into fuller view. There is greater clarity once I begin walking with courage. This isn't the walking found comfortable and safe in one's own home; the well-guarded ambling about the all-too familiar. The beginning of walking towards desire feels more like the first few steps out of your own house. Those first few steps, those first few breathes of outside world air immediately begin to color in something new. Behold, we are at the advent of a kind of new creation. Note this: upon the very success of that first step and first breathe the ghost of irrational fear and nagging uncertainty, of paralyzing lethargy, wisps away--if you desire so. This is the sound of a footstep made in faith toward one's deep desire. Then every footstep that succeeds carries the same force; the same gravitas, so long as your desire is in view.
What am I saying, Lord? I'm saying that I sense the Spirit telling me: there is no common fear that can withstand the force of that first bold step taken in faith towards one's deep desire. It is the refreshing realization that I need to hear right now. How many irrational fears and hold-ups bind my limbs together? How many parasites suck suck suck away at the creative power of life? When we arrive at a choice, we truly ought to take full ownership of the choice and resolve with courageous prayer and prayerful courage.
And what of comfort? Comfort?! I segue to a recent meditation on the Call of the King. I name my secular general: Allen Levin, someone of whom my admiration can't find justice in words for. Here is the cordial wisdom he has to offer concerning comfort: "FUCK comfort. Your end is not to attain comfort. Comfort is the sworn enemy of the artist. Others will take that day off on Independence Day; good! Let them sleep! But not you. You're busy building a dream in the meantime."
Don't tell me that Peter did not have the slightest artistic impulse when he audaciously asked a ghost on the water to beckon him towards it.
Lord, call me to You. Call me to Yourself now and every moment of my life. Command me to walk on water. When did living ever become a spectator sport?--get us all out there on the water, Lord, then maybe we'll stop killing each other. Better to die attempting something amazingly unimaginable then to drift like vagabonds on a boat awaiting the next piece of fresh meat to snatch up and ravage like savages. Tell me it's You, Lord, and command me to walk on water. Fortune surely favors the brave; and the Kingdom of Heaven favors the childlike. They run, scream, and play with unreserved creative fervor and they are not afraid. I will not be afraid for it is You, Lord. Call me out, Lord. Command me to dance on that water. Summon me to join the ranks of children. More threatening than death is the dying that comes beforehand. I will fall, I will bruise, I assure you I will humiliate myself and others, I will be a provocateur to death's many cousins. I will give up. But I will rise up once more, and every time, so long as it is Your hand that lifts me out of the dunghill and back up on my feet upon the water. With You. This is where I belong. It is where we all belong.
Lord, call your servant. Amen.
Monday, August 12, 2013
Sunday, August 11, 2013
Name your desire
[Journal, 8/7/2013, Day six of 8-day silent retreat]
†: Ready?
»: Yeah.
†: OK. What is your desire and why is it important?
»: [Think canvas. Canvas. Canvas.]
I desire to be a performing artist in front of the camera. I desire to write for the screen. I desire to write fiction that is infused with spiritual meaning. Infused with spiritual imagery that have real intersections with everyday life and practical living. I desire to find stories that inspire, and then capture them, and tell them with fervor and spirit and a kind of animation that communicates to a human heart that there is so much pulsing light and life that springs, pours, and beats forth from the seams of creation that surround us and contain us; that define us, and draw our boundaries. This is surely the metaphysical sense that buoys me up daily and calls me forth into the unknown; into the realm of God. And why this desire? Rather, that is important about this desire? What about it? Well, when I approach it, I realize am required to put aside hesitation. At this juncture it is courage that must be taken up. When you move with courage you are no longer preoccupied with the calculations, with the analysis, with the eggshells at your feet. When you act towards your true desire, when you seize at your passion, oh it seizes you back--make no mistake. You wake up leaping out of bed seeing clearly the contours of your day. You apply yourself freely, energetically, and have a certain sense of deep meaning that lies in reach as you swing the hammer, as you draw the brush stroke, as you inhale. And as you exhale, you release blue fire into the world; fire that chars and christens life around you.
The stupid ass things are evicted from your days because the true owner has returned home. For me, I bid farewell to that extra drinking, perhaps drinking overall, farewell ****, farewell daily irrational precautionary routines, farewell people-pleasing for people-pleasing's sake, farewell bitter and toxic loathing towards some, farewell constant self-second-guessing, farewell causeless perfectionism, farewell purposeless workaholism, farewell wasted late nights, farewell restrained congratulations.
Lord, here is an intersection where I will meet you in your radiant glory, and your face will shine on your servant, and your servant will go forth to serve you in the infinite nooks and crannies of this beautiful world. Your servant will be one light among your lights in this dark world; joyful, encouraged and encouraging with others who only dare to step forward out of turn to seize at the light that majestically summons them. Here's to the Advocate who You send to be with us each moment of every day. The enveloping Spirit who sustains the fire that keeps us living while we are alive.
With the intervention of our Blessed Virgin Mother Most Holy, St. Ignatius, St. Martin de Porres, and in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit, I surrender this prayer to You, Lord. From my heart of hearts. Amen.
†: Ready?
»: Yeah.
†: OK. What is your desire and why is it important?
»: [Think canvas. Canvas. Canvas.]
I desire to be a performing artist in front of the camera. I desire to write for the screen. I desire to write fiction that is infused with spiritual meaning. Infused with spiritual imagery that have real intersections with everyday life and practical living. I desire to find stories that inspire, and then capture them, and tell them with fervor and spirit and a kind of animation that communicates to a human heart that there is so much pulsing light and life that springs, pours, and beats forth from the seams of creation that surround us and contain us; that define us, and draw our boundaries. This is surely the metaphysical sense that buoys me up daily and calls me forth into the unknown; into the realm of God. And why this desire? Rather, that is important about this desire? What about it? Well, when I approach it, I realize am required to put aside hesitation. At this juncture it is courage that must be taken up. When you move with courage you are no longer preoccupied with the calculations, with the analysis, with the eggshells at your feet. When you act towards your true desire, when you seize at your passion, oh it seizes you back--make no mistake. You wake up leaping out of bed seeing clearly the contours of your day. You apply yourself freely, energetically, and have a certain sense of deep meaning that lies in reach as you swing the hammer, as you draw the brush stroke, as you inhale. And as you exhale, you release blue fire into the world; fire that chars and christens life around you.
The stupid ass things are evicted from your days because the true owner has returned home. For me, I bid farewell to that extra drinking, perhaps drinking overall, farewell ****, farewell daily irrational precautionary routines, farewell people-pleasing for people-pleasing's sake, farewell bitter and toxic loathing towards some, farewell constant self-second-guessing, farewell causeless perfectionism, farewell purposeless workaholism, farewell wasted late nights, farewell restrained congratulations.
Lord, here is an intersection where I will meet you in your radiant glory, and your face will shine on your servant, and your servant will go forth to serve you in the infinite nooks and crannies of this beautiful world. Your servant will be one light among your lights in this dark world; joyful, encouraged and encouraging with others who only dare to step forward out of turn to seize at the light that majestically summons them. Here's to the Advocate who You send to be with us each moment of every day. The enveloping Spirit who sustains the fire that keeps us living while we are alive.
With the intervention of our Blessed Virgin Mother Most Holy, St. Ignatius, St. Martin de Porres, and in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit, I surrender this prayer to You, Lord. From my heart of hearts. Amen.
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